I’m not who they said I would be. Sexuality.
Today’s subject is a little bit deeper- a little bit more sensitive. And so I approach it with a bit of hesitancy. This part of my story… this thing that they said I would be is not as easy to share. But then I remember the power that comes in sharing. I remember that my testimony is not really mine at all. It is a powerful account of what God does through broken lives. My story is really the story of God’s love, redemption and victory. I pray that as you read these words, that is what you will see in my story.
Who They Said I Would Be
As a young child, I was exposed to sexual things. I found myself alone with my peers and I can only conclude that they had been allowed to be alone with a T.V., for they too had been exposed. And this exposure opened so many doors in my life. The door of destructive lies swung wide.
These lies caused me to feel unworthy- marked for life and unable to be clean, free, or truly loved.
There were lots of lies- all telling me who I would be, but there was this one…
“You will be valuable because of your sexuality.”
It was this twisted lie. Disgusting really. I was devastated. Caught up in the addiction of self-pleasing- not fully knowing what it was (I was still a child ), but knowing that it was wrong. I felt shame and yet here was this lie… that even though there was so much shame surrounding it… somehow it would be what would make me desirable.
And isn’t that how the enemy works? He wants us to feel so much shame and condemnation for something, and simultaneously convince us that it is still a good thing.
I continued to grow inside of this confliction. Despising myself and at the same time nurturing this idea that my sexuality would be the thing that would make me lovable.
I am NOT that
And so time went on.
The anticipation of marriage grew strong because the twisted lie had a goal.
Marriage came. And I was not who they (he) said I would be.
The lie remained.
I entered marrige thinking that somehow the shame of my past would go away and that I would be full of confidence. After all, this is what made me valuable right? And I saved myself for marriage. Didn’t that make me more valuable? More desirable?
And so I was striving and frustrated. Because the lie that sexuality made me valuable left me needlessly performing for the love I already had. My husband communicated the truth of his love and acceptance to me time and time again, yet I still found myself trying. Trying but never quite measuring up to the standard I had created for myself. Or was it the standard of the world? Or the standard of the enemy?
When everything was stripped bare, the truth was exposed. I was not loved because of my performance. Not because of the way that I looked or what I could do. I was not loved because of my sexuality. My value did not and does not come from any of that.
Who I am
I am a woman- created by God. Crafted in a unique way.
Made with sexual desire- yes- but not defined by it.
And by God’s perfect design, that desire gets to be fully lived out and experienced within the safety of marriage.
My sexuality is a gift from God that I can enjoy and ultimately use it for His glory.
And I do! I am no longer bound up by the lie that once entrapped me! God has given me the truth and He has set me free.
One of the things the world is SCREAMING right now is that your sexuality is who you are. There is SO much emphasis on sexuality. Just look around you. Look at popular T.V. shows, look at your Facebook feed, even the physical messages that are all around us.
This emphasis causes souls to be bound up- believing the lie and feeling trapped by its repercussions. But don’t be deceived! Sexuality is only a part of who you are. You are so much more!
Friends, today I am sharing part of my story, but I don’t know your story. Do you have identity wounds rooted in sexuality? Maybe you are struggling with shame because of the actions you have taken. Maybe you too have experienced the pain of sexuality being made known to you in a way that it was never intended to be. Or maybe you wrestle with distinguishing what God says about your sexuality verses what the world is telling you about it.
Whatever situation you find yourself in, I just want to pause right here and say I feel your pain. I’ve walked through it. I understand how deeply these identity wounds can go. You are not alone.
The subject of sexuality is a sensitive and sometimes complicated one. Again, I don’t know your story. I don’t know what kind of heartache or shame you have experienced around this subject, but what I do know is that I stand here freed by the God who heals, redeems, and restores.
You can trust Him to set you free from any false identity that was spoken over you.
Feel free to comment below, but if you need to share your story with someone, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I will respond!
This post is a part of the Salt and Light Link Up.