“God gives good gifts… and that’s what you are”
The date stamped 5/24/15.
Concluding a letter to someone so special.
More special than I will ever know. Someone I am still grieving.
Last year on April 14th, 2015, my husband and I practically skipped our way out the door and to the Doctor’s office. We were so excited. I remember the day so well. We dropped Zariah- then 6 months old- off to our dear friends and told them the news. We were expecting…The room was filled with joy and laughter as they congratulated us. We just really believe with all of our hearts that babies are such a blessing. A gift from God- a little being that has the power to change the entire dynamic of a family. The power to change lives according to God’s sovereign purpose.
We were expecting…
Off we went. Not a single thing could damper our mood… or so we thought. That day, we found out that we had lost our baby… oh that day. The day that there was no heartbeat. That day was a whirlwind. Overwhelming sadness. Disbelief. We were broken.
“Days.. just go by like normal. As if nothing happened… normal. People smile, people celebrate. But us? We live in a different fate. We celebrated you. Then we lost you. Before we knew if you were a boy or a girl, you were gone from us. “
A piece of the letter.
Oh the days and months following brought such sadness.
Such dullness of spirit. And yet I had to push on. I had to complete my internship. My internship ended up separating me from Zariah and Travis for a period of time. And I just pushed on.
Looking back I definitely see that I was experiencing some depression. Looking back I see that I didn’t allow myself to fully grieve. I just walked on. Not forgetting, but surviving. Surviving the loss and the surrounding stress.
But something I learned from observation of life and my studies in social work is that grief never looks the same for anyone. And so here I am… standing in the month of November… the month we would have been celebrating our little one’s first birthday…
and I am grieving.
This past Sunday we sang 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman. The last verse very powerfully talks about heaven and the way we will worship the Lord for all eternity. Tears ran down my face. My mom recently lost a very dear friend. I mourned for her. I rejoiced that she would worship the Lord forevermore.
And … I couldn’t help but think about my little baby… Our little precious baby being held by Jesus Himself… even if I didn’t get that opportunity myself.
Today I had my 6-week postpartum appointment.
It has actually been almost 10 weeks since Ezekiel was born. I kept having to reschedule this appointment and it was making me anxious that I was being seen so long after I was suppose to have been seen.
But God knew… Oh how He knew. He knew that I would be grieving. He knew I would need this appointment. He knew it would be a part of my healing.
Our midwife had given me a clean bill of health and was walking out the door when I remembered a question I had for her.
“When I was about to push, I noticed that Ezekiel moved really frantically in me. What was that about?”
She smiled and explained to me that when he was on his way out, he was “sunny-side-up” and completely turned as he was coming out.
She said, “and actually he had the cord around his neck twice.”
…. what? This was something I did not know… I was in shock…
“You’re lucky to have him”
Tears welled up in me… wow.
I don’t know if it was because of the shock, but I’m not fully sure exactly what she said next, but I heard two phrases very clearly: Angel Baby and Rainbow Baby.
Every good gift comes from God. As I write this, Ezekiel is snuggled up with me in the chair, Zariah is calling out to me from her room telling me nap time is over… and I can’t help but think about what blessings my babies are… all three of them.
Praise God. He is the giver of all good things. I am so thankful to have been able to carry my second baby… even if only for a little while.
Yes… God gives good gifts… and that’s what you are my sweet baby… our sweet baby. We love you.